There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
