My sheets look like a crime scene.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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