I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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