I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
