btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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