New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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