I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I don't deserve a penis
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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