Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
