the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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