theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
