I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
