dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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