At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
