he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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