I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The uberlube is also flammable
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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