Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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