Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
