my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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