omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
