Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
People in love make me want to vomit
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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