Is it normal to miss your booty call?
My liver just broke up with me...
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
