Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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