Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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