24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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