He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
