my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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