those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
barbara walters just said penis...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
