and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
