We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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