he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
