He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
