Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
