I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
