Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
