We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We have started to decorate penises.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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