note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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