Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
