I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize