Kiss
Puke
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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