If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
