6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
