I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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