what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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