Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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