who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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