I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
