I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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