the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
