Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
