I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
