Redeem this text for a blowjob
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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