I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
