Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
