any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
