just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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