just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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